OPENLY SEXUAL: Thanks For The Good Times

Here are some things I hope you learnt from my time as your sex columnist:

Consent is so very important, not just to be a decent human being (only an arsehole ever has sex with someone who is too drunk to know what they are doing) but also because gaining clear consent will protect you from false (or even just confused or regretful) accusations that can ruin your entire life.

Image originally from CC BY 4.0
Image originally from CC BY 4.0

Safe sex: there is no such thing as “too big” for a condom. Too diseased to fuck? Yes. But too big for a condom? No. Lesbians, yes the risk of disease is low for you guys but it is even lower with a dental dam—your choice. And for those of you that want to know whether rimming could lead to getting germs, well duh!

Porn: think about it the same way you should think about eating sugar— moderation is the key and the more natural and unprocessed it is the better. Too much of the same type and you might be doing yourself a disservice.

Penises: no, do not send pictures of them until someone specifically asks you for one. If you have a particularly small penis, learn how to give great head using your mouth and your fingers together. If you have a particularly big penis, the same applies. Oh, and no matter what the size, keep it clean because no one likes the smell of stale urine or sweaty balls.

Vaginas: well, they are not actually ‘vaginas’, they are vulvas. The vagina is just the inside (I know, I still call it a vagina too). Anyway, they are all very, very different, unique and a bit mysterious. We are all more comfortable and familiar with penises which I think is partly a trick of geography (well, anatomy really) since penises stick out. The vulva and the vagina are hidden. So the big tip is to look at some on the internet (not plastic porn ones as these are homogenised and unrealistic) and take a look at your own, get comfortable with it and be proud of it. If anyone has the temerity to insult your vulva, labia, clitoris or vagina in any way, they are the four letter word for that area. Stay away from them.

Labels suck and don’t adequately describe the full gamut of our diversity and experiences as sexual beings. A lesbian who has sex with a man is not any less of a lesbian than her lesbian peers just as a straight person who has a gay experience is not necessarily queer. At least there are a few more labels to choose from these days.. However there is still no need to let anyone else label you nor is there any rush to stick one on yourself.

Fantasy life: I encourage everyone to have a healthy one as long as it doesn’t include thinking that first time sex will be amazing and won’t involve bumps, slips, trips and fanny farts. It takes practice, thought, and time and effort to get it right. We certainly don’t all have an innate knowledge of what to do and how to please our partners and what pleases us. Just because you are incredibly turned on by someone doesn’t mean you will magically do it “right”.

Education: we should all feel comfortable learning what we can, when we can. There are great books out there and some hilarious (yet surprisingly educational) ‘how to make love’ DVDs. Get online and order yourself some today or borrow them from the library. There may be an opening for the sex columnist next year so start researching—if not for you, for your fellow students.

Just quickly…

  • Slut shaming is bullshit—enjoy your sexuality and don’t presume to comment on other people’s.
  • Having an STD does not make you dirty or mean that you are being punished for having fun. Just get it looked at and don’t pass it on. Especially if it is oozing.
  • Virginity shouldn’t be romanticised. It is an outdated, irrelevant concept, just ask a lesbian.
  • Lube, always and forever, use lube. It is great stuff. Use the right type for the job, even if that means using Crisco.
  • There is no such thing as “The One”. It takes time and work both finding and staying in a relationship.
  • Not having sex is a valid option.
  • Never let anyone say or do anything to you that you don’t feel comfortable with; at work or at a party, or in your loving relationship. Your body, your rules.
  • Only go to a sex party if it has high standards of admission and strict rules.
  • Love is not a good enough reason to stay with an arsehole/bitch.
  • Being single is totally okay and with the right attitude, lots of fun.
  • If you bonk celebrities, treat them like a valued human being, not a trophy.
  • Communicate about what you want, how you want it, what you feel, what you want to feel, what you like and what you don’t like.
  • Sex should always be enjoyable. It doesn’t have to be movie magic perfect but it should always be fun and pleasurable.
  • Have I mentioned safe sex? Well let me mention it again—have it.

Thanks for reading, love yourself, touch yourself and be good to each other.

I will miss this.


Mistress M, aka Emma Sachsse